The Very Reason Behind It All

When I was 12 I dreamed of moving to Colorado and starting this amazing life. One where you day dream about and wish and wish for.

In Indiana it was rough. I was never happy. I fell into depression in middle school. I remember I was never super popular but I knew everyone and most people knew me. I never had a boyfriend in middle school, I kept to myself or hung out with a close knit of friends, maybe too much because a rumor spread that I was bisexual. I have to say that ruined me. It destroyed all my self confidence, it destroyed what I thought about my “friends”, and it just destroyed me in general.

Move onto high school and really it only got better for a second. I meant a boy and it was my first real boyfriend. I thought he was the one and it was amazing and everything. Then we broke up but he kept me on string for when he wanted me, even while he was dating a new girl. He put me through the ringer on that. I fell deeper and deeper into that depression. Because people found out that me and him still talked and we’re still somewhat a thing at the same time he was dating this girl. Girls are horrible in high school. But I did that to myself. I should’ve been done and walked away but when it’s your first how can you just walk away? He manipulated me and the other girl against each other. I got the worst end of it. I moved on to another boy and he was amazing. Always cared for me, always there, and just simply great. But he too was in depression and we made a pack that if we didn’t get better we… well you know.. I tried a few times. I took too many pills, cut myself, and tried hanging myself but never could go through with it. But now that I am where I am, I’m glad I didn’t.

After the whole high school thing was done and over with I got better. I worked a lot. I worked out about 5/6 times a week. I did better. My sister one day called me up to come visit her out in Colorado and told me pack heavy. If I want to stay I can if not no worries. So, I packed heavy knowing this is my way out. This was it. I was out of this hell hole. I get to Colorado, and knew that this what I always wanted. This is where I’m staying, but something in the back of my mind was telling me I need to stay in Indiana. I’m not ready yet. After a drunken conversation with one of my sister’s friends, I knew I needed to stay no matter what because if I went back to Indiana I wouldn’t make it another year. So I stayed. I called my two jobs back at home, told them I’m never coming back and stayed. Mind you I had nothing in my savings. I had nothing to my name besides the last two paychecks I would get from my job and a credit card. My car was stuck in Indiana for over a month and a half. I lived with my sister and got a job after a whole month of living there. It was rough.

I literally moved to Colorado with nothing, at 18 no car, no friends, and no money. My mom dropped my car off, gave me 100 bucks and said “Here ya go,” like gee wow thanks for your help. After 6 months of living with my sister and her husband and kid I was told I needed to get my own place to live. So that’s what I did. I fell “in love” with this guy and thought he would be good to live with. It would work. No big deal. We found an apartment. Scraped together everything we could and got an apartment.

The first few months were great. We got along, we both made good money. Everything we had for the apartment I put on my credit cards so I could just make payments on it. We did the best we could. Then a few more months passed by and it got harder. He moved to a new job and didn’t make any money. I was doing everything I could and some to keep afloat. We got in fights, we had a huge mistake happen, and he decided with 3/4 months left in the lease that he was going to move to Arizona and make more money to support us. I knew it wasn’t a good idea but I put my best foot forward and just hope for the best. Well turns out he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He didn’t love me and this and that. So I decided it was for the best and moved on. But he didn’t think that way. Once I said that he decided he wanted to change his mind and he wants me back and he only said it because he didn’t want to drag me through all the bullshit. Well it was all a mess. I had to play nice for 4 months so I could have a place to live. I had to be dragged through the mud, told I was horrible and just using him for his money and this and that.. let me tell you. I was NOT doing that.

While this was as all going on I met my boyfriend that I am now with. In the beginning it was just hanging out and not trying to make it anything serious. We were both using each other as a rebound but it didn’t work out that way. He is 10 years older than me with two kids. I know what you’re thinking “10 years?!? Are you crazy?! 2 kids?!? What are you thinking?” Well at the time I was thinking it was short term and I wouldn’t meet the kids. But things kept going, we kept wanting to see each other more and more. So we did. I met the kids. Fell in love with them instantly, met their mom, she hated me instantly. Let me tell you there is sooooo much baby momma drama but if there wasn’t that’d be weird.

I moved in with him and his kids. I had everyone telling me how bad he was and he is a horrible person. But I saw something in him that no one else saw. He cared with all his heart for everyone. He put on this show that he was a dick and trust me sometimes he was but he is so much more. He is so sweet, kind, and caring. He does everything he can to provide for his family. He puts his kids over everything and I appreciate that so much. There’s some positives and negatives with being so far in age but really it’s not so bad. He helps me through so many of my stressful situations that aren’t really that bad. He’s been through some of the same things I did and has helped me through them. Obviously we have our bad moments but we always came out stronger. We are still moving forward and figuring out how to work but with any relationship I think that’s a given. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. It’s hard work and so much more. But without him I would be in a much worse place and probably back in Indiana. I am so thankful for him.

A whole year together and a whole lot of drama and here we are. I’m getting my life together, he is getting his together, we are buying a house that we close on January 22. We are growing, thriving, and living. I will tell you more about the drama and the kids and all of that at a later time because this post just got a lot longer than I thought it would of been. But that is the very reason behind it all.

With all my love,


All of us in NYC this past October❤️

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